I am alone.
It’s not a state I wish to be in. In fact, I’d much rather not be alone. I’d much rather find the spark, have that choir of angels moment, and such…
But it just doesn’t seem to be happening for me. And I’m starting to believe it won’t.
I could blame the world, the universe, the entire population of humanity, but the simple fact is, there has to be a subtle flaw in me that prevents me from making a connection. Something I can’t see, can’t detect in a mirror.
And before you say the obvious things – I’m overweight, I’m divorced, I have a beard, I’m not the most handsome man in the world – others with those same challenges have no problems making connections and finding relationships. So, again, it must be me.
About six months ago, I decided I would try the method laid out in the book The Secret. This is basically manifestation by visualization. You see what it is you most desire, you see yourself with it, and *poof*, in a cloud of illogic, it floats into your life.
So, I decided I would do this. I created a list – specific physical traits (light hair, somewhat physically attractive, between 5-4 and 5-6), mental traits (intelligent, tolerant of disabilities, engaging personality), and emotional traits (a generous spirit).
In late August, at an event I attended, someone contacted me beforehand to discuss a specific intellectual point regarding a possible writing project. When we met in person, for the first time in years, I had that “choir of angels” moment. Here she was, literally the woman of my dreams as I had described her…
Until she opened her mouth. Oh, she was intelligent. In fact, much more so than I am (which actually is saying something). But she never stopped talking about herself, never stopped name-dropping…and never inquired about my projects.
So to her, I probably appeared like a needy person who wanted validation. Perhaps that was true. But I believe in a relationship, you celebrate the accomplishments of both people. In the end, I was into her, and she was into her even more.
And so, The Secret failed, probably because I forgot to include one thing…to love me. I guess I needed that.
At least I have a cat.